I want to start this essay by talking about a moment in school that I have been experiencing a lot. While it might be a meaningless moment that is just a part of their school life to my fellow students, it is a very significant situation for me. It usually happens in history or English, mostly during class discussions. I sit in class, curious to learn about new topics, curious about discussing, curious about what others have to say. However, This curiosity vanishes as soon as the discussion takes a turn into a certain direction of topics. When someone takes the word „Second World War“, „Adolf Hitler“, „Nazis“, or „Holocaust“ into their mouth, I am quiet. Others don’t, they talk about the topic just like they talk about everything else. That is because I am different from them in one specific way. I am German. I carry around my German nationality, it’s past. I carry around the shame, guilt, and violence of my ethnic group.
During the Second World War, Nazi German authorities deported millions of Jews from Germany, from occupied territories, and from the countries of its Axis allies to ghettos and to killing centers. The Holocaust is a big rock in our past. We all now see that war and its events as one of the most horrific terms in history. My family is German, and I have always lived in Germany. Even though there is still racism and national socialism in my home country, it is hard for me to believe that all of what happened during the war is true. I love my country, including most of its political and moral beliefs. I definitely consider myself German, but it is hard for me to identify myself with its past. Nevertheless, I know for sure that my ancestors, my great grandpas, their brothers, and their dads, were Nazis. My grandmother’s father worked in Auschwitz, the largest of the Nazi concentration and death camps. That is hard to believe because my grandmother is a person that goes outside everyday to feed birds. If I could, I would like to be able to detach myself from my German roots, but I will always be entwined with the country of my birth. My roots are the element that let me live and grow, and my country’s soil has always nourished me.
The first thing that comes to most non-Germans’ minds when they think about the country is Adolf Hitler. Technically, that means that Adolf Hitler is the first person they think about when I say that I am from Germany. Especially when I started studying outside Germany, in a boarding school in the United States, people judged me for my German ethnicity. Well, they did not judge me, but they have certain thoughts in their mind when I say that I am from Germany. There is that one awful moment when we talk about the Second World War in class, that moment when everyone turns around and looks at me. My heart always thinks: “Why do they look at me? I have nothing to do with that. I am not German in that way”. But on the other hand, I can see my great grandfather leading thousands of innocent people into a gas chamber. That is a daily conflict between my heart and my brain. While I would like to follow my heart, in fact, my mom is German, my dad is German, I am German. It is difficult sometimes to remember the beautiful aspects of the nationality I carry with me because there is so much violence and prejudice, too.
“We are all human beings, and our nationality is simply an accident of birth”.
Venkatraman Ramakrishnan
I always try to think about the good aspects of Germany next to its bad past. Quality of life in Germany is one of the highest in the world, and rights in Germany enjoy a high level of protection, both in theory and in practice. I can go outside everyday feeling free and safe. I try to remember that, while carrying my nationality’s horrific past, I also carry its freedom, rights, and safety nowadays. I carry something that I love, that I am proud of, that I feel safe in now. However, I will always carry those two sides of my German ethnicity. The part that is heavy, that drags me down, and the part that adorns me. Germany’s past and the present.
This essay was really hard for me to write because of the topic. I have never written about the holocaust, and I hope my imagery about it gets clear to readers. I think I could have done a better job talking about how my ethnicity is what ‘I carry’ as this was the essay question.
I’m really glad you shared this. You mentioned in your reflection that you think you could have done a better job explaining the essay question, but I think it comes through, especially in the end. I like your description of the two sides of your German identity, and I think the comment about your grandmother going outside to feed the birds, contrasted with her father, is especially impactful.
This is a very powerful piece of writing. I’m saddened that you feel this way, but I think it’s a very important message to share. The way you contrast your pride in being German with your insecurities of relating to Nazis is very strong, and helps us take a greater understanding from the piece.