Sinned Letter

Hypocrisy. 

That’s the word I chose for this essay. It’s a word that represents me more than I would want it to. And with it comes more, the other two words that stand out to me are: lying and indifference, they come together, like those three words belong in the same package. 

Nobody truly knows each other. We barely know ourselves. We lie and we pretend to be someone we are not sometimes. But when it becomes part of a person’s lifestyle, what can they do to stop it? I can’t seem to find an answer. There are multiple reasons people lie and pretend, it’s something so stigmatized in society yet so common. Maybe someone wants to fit in with others, and to do that they must change who they are because:

Who would want someone as they truly are? The good and the bad. Most people wouldn’t want to deal with the bad. It becomes too much of a burden to handle. First changing some parts of your personality to please someone else starts as a small thing. We change little things like liking the same music and tv shows, or the same people, same food, same opinions, etc. It ends in the point where everyone is like everyone else. Some differences sure, but we don’t let them show.

Because again, who would like us?

I believe that we don’t truly change, it just that lying becomes so common that people forget how they were. Everyone is just pretending, two people can like the same sport on the surface but deep down one of them hates it. It’s not a big deal, until it starts happening with things that matter more. We just show what others want to see from you.

I once was foolish enough to believe that I could escape that. I fell into a hole so deep and I can never seem to get out, and I didn’t even notice it until it was too late for me to care to do something about it. Who would want a stupid, stuck, obssessed girl? Who would want to deal with all that’s behind a happy face? Who would want to know what I’m hiding? No one. They tell me they do, but once I open up they leave because it just was too much. It’s frustrating. 

I don’t pretend I like the same things for someone else’s sake. I don’t change my opinion because somebody told me to. I’m not that kind of person. If they don’t want me as I am, then look for someone who will, right? But then why do most things I want to do are wrong? When I think about something that’s not ‘morally correct’ should I feel guilt? Because I don’t, what even are morals? We’re all bad people anyway, it’s just that nobody shows it. Isn’t pretending to be someone else ‘morally incorrect’? It becomes a cycle, an inescapable one, once you start there’s no going back. 

And with hypocrisy comes lying. 

“Oh, have you heard the whole album?” 

“No, I haven’t” Me neither. 

“You should, It’s pretty good” 

It’s a natural thing that just comes to me, I don’t even realize when I do it, just when I think back on it. We are expected to meet standards that society has for everyone, and when I didn’t I ended up alone. Ridiculously high standards that I could never meet, so I just gave up, I don’t care about it anymore, it’s stupid how everyone else seems to follow it and the pressure they feel to keep them. We should all just be ourselves, right? We should be honest with each other, right? That’s why they told us, didn’t they? Then, why do I get the feeling that if everyone was truly the most honest version of themselves we would all be in jail because all of the stupid rules we failed to follow. 

“If I cared and felt bad for everyone that has suffered in this world, I would be sad forever”

Indifference comes after that, it just became too much that I stopped caring about things everyone else does. The news just announced that somebody died, someone else just got harassed, another person got kidnapped, people are starving, there’s hate towards people because they just exist, and the world is dying. Everyone feels bad after hearing all of that, but why? It’s not someone they knew and cared about. For me it’s just somebody else who had the same destiny as a lot more. I don’t feel anything, not sad or mad that the world is this way. I’ve just learned to accept it, because it’s been like that for thousands of years and it’s going to be for millions more. It never truly changes. I’m supposed to care if somebody got shot in the street because of their skin color, or how they dressed, or sexuality, or religion. It’s too much, and everyone seems to care about the same news we get everyday but with a different name, why is it a bad thing if I don’t? Why should I feel guilt for not doing anything? The people who are, can’t change it, what’s the difference? If I cared and felt bad for everyone that has suffered in this world, I would be sad forever. 

I don’t want to change who I am just because others won’t accept it, but I still learned to put on a mask to please everyone so that nothing would happen to me, and, as much as I try, I can’t seem to get rid of it. I’m lying to everyone but myself, and it isolates me in a world where I’m the only one that exists there. 

Hopefully someday, I will be able to break out of it, but until then, I’ll keep wearing this mask as if it was a part of who I am.