The bell rang four times. I woke up suddenly on a Saturday morning for no reason. Staring at the unfamiliar ceiling quietly, I led my thoughts to fly wherever they wanted to, something I do a lot. My thoughts usually land somewhere a little bit sad. “I am kind of aspire to the ceiling. It appears to me unfamiliarly although I have been under it for a week. I have no way to know its past.” I thought naively, “It’s like a piece of paper that has never been written on. I wish I can also erase my past, just like the ceiling.”
I felt a mix of anxiety and disparaging filling my heart lightly. I was about to realize something that I would never want to admit. I grabbed my phone and browsed randomly, what I always do as a relief when I feel lost. Hum Hum, my phone vibrated, the only sound in the silent world around me. This inconspicuous buzzing sound connects me to a colorful world with people that do not know the things that I want to forget. I was also like the vibrating sound in the silent darkness, always doing things that I am supposed to do in my own world.
The Bell rang once, breaking the silent world, it’s four-thirty. I hugged on my blanket, which was the only warm and soft thing that could possibly comfort me down in the room that I can get my hands on, yet the storm in my heart did not want to die away. I always wonder why do I keep thinking so much? Why can’t I just forget everything in the past and live a peaceful life like a plant, or the ceiling? Why do I always want to run away from people? Something must be not quite right. I knew. I always know it, I just couldn’t get it, or I only didn’t want to admit it, but why? What’s the purpose of torturing myself by thinking too much? Things exist for a reason.
I felt my pillow was damped with a “ta” sound made by some liquid. My nose congested. Why can’t I just be strong and face everything whether good or bad, past or future like everyone else? Do I really need to forget everything? Can I really do that? I am a human being. Unlike a ceiling. I am a person because I make connections with other people. If I erase everything and stay away from people, do I still remain myself? Do I really gain happiness or I actually lose everything, like a ceiling, unfamiliar to anyone standing or sitting or lying underneath it? Time only goes forward. A person can never erase their past. They only run away from it and leave their footprints. I have to live with my past and shape my future.
And the bell rang five. My heart was peaceful again.
The circumstance when I was writing this essay was just like what the essay described. I was writing when the light was off and my mind was flying. I like that this piece is very personal, and it is not a way that I usually portray myself. This is really my only way of expressing myself. I feel the one really creative part is when I connect my wish to the ceiling at the beginning when everything is calmer and then rejected it at the end of the essay and bring my thoughts to a higher level.