A Letter to my Lover

August 6, 1772

Dear Love,

I know I could not say goodbye the way I had wished so this will have to do. I went to your father’s shop the morning before my departure, asking him to pass this letter on to you. He gave me a pouch of sweets for the trip and said he would miss me, and to tell my mother sorry for him no longer carrying her favorite tea due to the tax. He knew that had argued earlier in the week about the resistance. After I agreed to pass on his message he then hugged me before I left. I had to shield my face walking out the door to hide the tears swelling behind my eyes.

I ate one of the candies on my walk home, and the sweet coating made me think of you, your voice smooth and soft like honey. I walked and cried, I didn’t hide my face, I did it just as you told me, that “if you are to cry, do so proudly”. With tears streaming down my face I was smiling, thinking of you. I only had one wish, to meet you one last time by the lovers’ maple behind the old schoolyard, to feel your soft hands in mine. I will miss your touch, with your delicate fingertips and gentle caress. The sun was hot and everything felt sticky, but as the dust from the dirt road clung to my skin but I didn’t notice. My mind was with you.

My mind was full of thoughts of you, our childhood memories, to the last time your cheek had touched mine, where I could feel your heartbeat on mine and your tender breath on my neck The story of us unfolded. I was so distracted by the smell of perennials which filled Ms. Brookes flowerboxes, I nearly stepped in the way of a passing carriage. The smell had reminded me of you, the long walks we shared in the meadow, our fingertips brushing occasionally while we walked. I remembered the schoolgirl blush that would rush over my face when you took my hand. I tried to hide the red in my face, but I can hide nothing from you. I will miss those summer afternoons we spent in the meadow, placing flowers in each other’s hair, laughing freely and openly with the world. There were no secrets, only us.

I wish I had your confidence then. You never lowered your eyes, no matter who spoke to you. You were so confident and outspoken, unlike I who still felt like a small child hiding between their mother legs, lost in her dress. I will be sure to speak my mind when I get to my new home, I will not hide, I hope to make you proud.

My family has already spoken to the one of which they say has a suitable son where we are going. They say he is excited to meet me. I am not excited to see him, I cannot bear to love someone who is not you, someone without your narrow shoulders and delicate face. I cannot love someone who does not have your ocean blue eyes and your wild blonde hair. I cannot love someone who is not you.

I will not be giving you my new address at the end of this letter, I do not wish you to write to me.  If you read this letter and respond I will have no choice but to answer and I cannot answer. I am not as strong as you, I cannot bear speaking to you knowing we can never be together. I cannot live my life knowing that we will both marry and have children, and you will wish to write to me about them. And, that my love is what I cannot live with, hearing you live your life without me.
Sincerely,

yours