Broken, but Okay?

As I look back on the events of my junior year and the various relationships I have formed with the people around me, there is one that sticks out when I think about people I have hurt with my words and actions. Throughout my life I have always said that I would never regret anything because at the time, that’s what I wanted or needed; however, I have quickly come to the realization that this can not apply to the words that roll of your lips because what you say is not always what you truly feel or want to express. In this specific situation, my words and actions that went along with them were taken from a place of blindness.

If I had to choose a phrase to represent my year thus far it would be ‘self improvement’. I came into this year with two close friends and the mindset of whatever happens, happens. I was kind of timid at first because I knew that it was going to be challenging, but at the same time I was ready for it. I made a point to push myself to talk to, and meet as many people as possible during orientation, and was able to make a couple friends that I now consider to be my go to people.

The first month and a half were a whirlwind and this person was at the center of it, they became someone that I could rely on and I pretty much spent all my time with them. When you talk to someone all the time, you sometimes start to take advantage of their feelings and this is exactly what I was doing. It took me some time to realize that this is what I was doing, but now that I look back I can see how it had an effect. As I’m writing this paper, I am feeling guilt and remorse for what I did and how it affected them. My actions and words hurt this person and made them feel down on themselves and I wish I never said or did any of it. No one should be made to feel this way by anyone, ever, especially when it is the person you trust the most.

Unfortunately, you can not take back your words or actions. Trying to fix something broken is realistically close to impossible. The dynamic will never be the same, and the cracks will always show through all the glue you used to try to fix it, no matter how hard you try to mend them back together. Between us lies a giant gaping hole in the broken friendship we built, that will be there, possibly, forever.

The difference between me at this moment and me at the start of this year, in my opinion, is noticeable. Many of the aspects of the changes relate to how I treat the people I deeply care for and how I treat myself. My views of myself have never really been super positive; however, that has started to change this year, naturally changing how I talk to and treat the people I hold closest to my heart. If only I had come to this realization sooner, maybe our friendship would have lasted longer.