My Shades of Gin

The warm embrace, the loving touch, the endearing words, and sweet caress. This safe space, this loving corner of the world, is home. A mother’s arms that provide the protective touch that she will never be capable of maturing out of, as she did with the small crib that consisted of a small stuffed burlap bean bag, the burgundy and deep shades of gin that outlined her childhood.

The crib she matured out of, growing quickly and without hesitation the bright-eyed child’s eyes mellowed just as quickly, their spark and innocence dissipating being replaced with intelligence and the unfortunate truth of the world. Seeing made her real, made her raw. She felt she knew too much to be happy, she knew the truth she saw the world for what it is and wished to turn back but the knowledge made her cold; it made her strong, independent, but distant. Away from home people are just faces, blurred features that do not notice that she separates herself.  Nobody cares to look, to pay attention to the signs when she slowly builds a wall. Laying each brick using the unforgiven lies and abandonment of those she loved as glue she builds till a hand pulls her to her feet and takes her in a tight embrace. Each looking down at the partially constructed wall a sense of shame, embarrassment, and sorrow come over her, but this quickly dissipates when she is reassured that there is no shame in being angry with the world, there should be no embarrassment in being imperfect. Maybe we are just human.

Her safe space saves her, feeling distant for so long with artificial communication keeping them connected her safe space feels so far. Her distance and separation cannot be conveyed in any way other than real connection. The safe space opens and accepts her, her breaking self and can feel she is broken, no words are needed, nothing must be said.  It is all said when her soft childlike eyes return the sparkle and innocence is recaptured this moment is short but seems to last forever it stitches her broken pieces back together. Arms extended forward her small strong shoulders in hand, the eyes looking at her wish to understand her pain her struggle and her mind that seem so restless but all the loving arms can do is hold her, little does she know her home has saved her.

The intelligence and harsh thoughts of the world returned, but they are no longer a painful presence there, a simple reminder to be cautious when giving others your trust and love, but you cannot fear love or lock it away. After going home she knows there is such thing as love. She proceeds back into the world, still and calm. Her home has fixed her broken parts bringing some light back into her crystal eyes that had grown grey. She parts way with her home knowing one day she will soon return.