Nothing and Everything

Feeling alive is not something that can be described or put into a specific sentence or words, for me it’s more than that or less than that. It’s that spur of the moment feeling that comes out of nowhere and can leave just as fast as it came. That second of recklessness that comes over you as you do something you know you will regret, but the memory will become one of your favorites.

There is no emotion that describes feeling alive, there is no word or words you can string together in a comprehensible sentence to make anyone else understand. It is a feeling inside your body that most times you can’t even understand yourself. The feeling comes rarely and leaves quickly, leaving you breathless and confused like an unexpected and unexplainable slap to the face that you don’t feel until it’s over when the sting burns your check for those short seconds and when the shock fades you no longer know what it feels like and forget the feeling until the wind winds itself up once again to caress your face once more.

For everyone, their “alive” moment is different, for many athletes it’s the drop of the puck, the crack of the backboard, or the gunshot fired into the sky. I could say any of those are my moment but that would only be cliche, and not completely accurate. My sport is not my alive moment it is my happy place. The difference between the two concepts is that in my alive moment, joy is not always my primary emotion, in fact, it rarely is. In my alive moment, joy and happiness are usually not my primary emotion, it’s fear or anxiety even anger. Joy is not my alive it does not stir every nerve in my body making me tremble, shake or jitter. No, joy is much too calm for that.  

Joy is undeniable happiness that feels like a warm hug under a cozy blanket on a cold day. Joy is the sunshine kissing your face while your body rushes with warmth and happiness as those sunshine kisses fulfill the broken cracks in your heart. Joy makes you whole once again after longing and sadness after feeling incomplete and torn down. Joy is different than being alive. Someone can be happy and joyful and have never felt alive.

Yes, nothing makes me feel alive. The feeling of everything at once that numbness that controls your body that can make you feel nothing, yet everything all at once. That is my alive moment. It is nothing. It’s not a moment but there is no word for that feeling, there is no warning, nor caution to warn your body for that overwhelming feeling lurking just beneath the surface of your skin. It is nothing. How are you supposed to label that? The sensation running through my bones as I do something so ordinary and that could happen one hundred more times but all those other times won’t give me the same feeling. It is nothing, but an irrelevant section of time, one that was wasted. That wasted moment of my time is one I will cherish for as long as I can remember. That second is so irrelevant except for in the moment. At that point, it is my everything, my world, and all that is inside me, then it is gone. Never to be touched, seen or felt again.

That moment will be nothing but mean everything, it is my alive.

That moment of adrenaline rushing through your body as you run down the stairs out the door disregarding the coat hanging directly next to you, but in your excitement, a coat is the least of your concern, the furthest thing from your mind. The last thing your thinking of is how you will be standing in the dark shivering cold but even then it won’t concern you.  The million other things rushing through your brain seems so natural, yet all these thoughts, but your mind still seems blank. There is nothing to think about, except for everything.