To Be Pleasant

Vietnam summers seem to be hotter every time I return. It’s the kind of humid tropical climate that can make asphalt melt, the kind of weather that will make you want to shower again right after walking out of the bathroom and all you ever feel is the need to stay inside with the air-conditioner turned on all the time.
I’m meeting Hailey today. She is one of my middle school friends. Nothing too special, she just jumped in my messenger one day and asked if I was free. I said yes and here I am waiting in front of my house. It’s been ten years since I last saw her. Hailey moved to New Zealand, I went to study abroad in America one year later, and we only flew back during summer breaks. As a result, I never had the chance to see her. Once a year I congratulated her on her birthday, but the habit slowly faded away. Hmm, Hailey used to be my best friend. I just couldn’t find a way to share my life with her anymore, not after that day.
We used to be in the same class. Same table, too. I would sit next to Hailey, eight classes a day, six days week. We spent even more time together as we shared the same group of friends and had tons of sleepovers at other’s houses. Her parents treated me like another daughter in their house and were accustomed to me showing up at a random time. Our parents even planned trips together. There were times when I wondered how I could survive without her.
Hailey waves at me at the other side of the road, I smile and run to her car. We sit quietly in our seats as she tried to figure out the GPS as both of us are clueless about direction. Most of the time I look out in the window, sometimes turning around to see if she’s doing okay. Hailey has changed so much. She looks tanned and healthy; you can see the muscles in her arms while she’s driving. She dies her hair blonde. Even though I have looked at her changes through photos on Instagram, I’m still amazed. Hailey even knows how to drive. Meanwhile I’m already twenty-three and still refuse to sit in the driving seat, scared of the potential to crash the car at any time. She even changes her name, Hailey is just an English substitution for her real Vietnamese name, but no one calls her that anymore except me, she said. She is now a chef. I still cannot comprehend that fact. I recall her cooking something for us two for lunch. It was like a noodle soup with meat and a bunch of vegetables put together. It was absolutely inedible. We had to throw all of it away in the end and found some leftovers to eat instead. As I chuckle and tell her the story, Hailey laughs. She tells me she ended up going to a culinary school and is now a chef in a pretty crowded hotel in Sydney. “Nice”, I say, “I’m jobless”.
It’s almost evening now but everything’s still burning. The roads are filled with impatient people who can’t wait to get home. The heat still finds its way to my body when we are in the café. We have been sitting here for almost two hours. After all, ten years is not a short time to go over. Hailey told me about her life in New Zealand, then her move to Australia for college. The first year after college was miserable, nobody wanted to hire her. The real estate in Sydney cannot wait for her to find a job. She finally found decent work at the hotel she works for now through a friend’s connection. Hailey just broke up with her boyfriend, who she said she only dated for fun. I told her mine, I’m now in graduate school, still dependent on my parents. Small stories about my high school being in the middle of nowhere, how I changed my major twice, stuff like that. Still, I want to tell her more. I want to tell her much more but I just can’t. Not after that day.
It was like any other day when I woke up from my nap. In my middle school, there is always nap time after lunch and before afternoon classes. It was nice to regain your energy mid day. I woke up from the noise of someone talking and I realized it was Hailey. She was talking to another girl. I didn’t feel like opening my eyes and so I tried to lure myself to sleep again, but then I heard my name being mentioned. The memory is blurring in my head. I couldn’t make out what they were talking about, but it was about me.
“Any plans for your future?” – Hailey suddenly asks out of curiosity.
“Sure, I’m going to be an intern in a company, I’m already applying for the position. There’s a high chance that I can be official worker too.”
That’s not the truth anyway. There’s no company. I have no idea what to do after graduation. I don’t even like going to graduate school. Nonetheless, I feel like I shouldn’t be showing my broken-ness to her. I should be sure about my future, my job,s and secure my future just like Hailey. I should be confident in front of her.
That day, the other girl asked Hailey why she was so close with me.
“What? I don’t even consider her friend, but I need someone to finish my homework.”
The sentence was followed by laughter and giggles. I tried to lure myself to sleep again. I tried to get those words out of my head. I can felt my heart drop for a second, then beat as fast as possible. I tried to calm myself to sleep again but my heart felt like it would explode anytime. The giggles continued. I wanted to put my palms against my ears to avoid hearing those giggles. I wanted to sleep. I told myself to sleep again but I can’t. Nap time was over but I still wanted to sleep. I went to the health center and continued calming myself, trying to sleep again.
After that day, everything was back to normal. Hailey still sat next to me. She could come over to my house anytime, even copy my homework. I just couldn’t tell her everything anymore. Sometimes when we were in the same place, I wanted to scream in her face, break down and ask if I have done anything wrong to her to be treated like this. Why did she want me to suffer? I wanted to hit her as hard as I can. I wanted to kick her out of my house. In the end, I wasn’t brave enough. I stayed silent the whole time.
Hailey flew to New Zealand two months after that.
People start to turn on all the lights outside. Night life in Vietnam has always been beautiful in my eyes. It’s when the heat of the weather is gone and replaced by the heat of excitement. It makes me want to go for a walk with my mom like when I was little.
“You know what?” – I ask Hailey, looking out the window.
“What?”
“… Nothing.”
“What? Tell me!”
“Nothing, I forgot what to say. Should we go now? I told my parents I’m coming for dinner.”
“Yeah let’s go.”
There is this line that I cannot forget from a movie: “My mother used to tell me that in this world, you must be oh so smart or oh so pleasant. Well for years I was smart. I recommend pleasant.” I don’t want to know the truth, why she did that, anymore. I don’t want to dig deepper into my thoughts. I, too, want to be pleasant.