Intangible Thing

Going to Hebron is hard in so many ways. You have to adjust yourself to living on your own, making new friends, learning in a new environment and being far away from home. But the hardest thing for me about leaving Connecticut and coming to Maine was leaving my little sister. While being away from home I have been filled with so much guilt. She’s grown up without me, and there’s nothing I can do about it. This massive amount of guilt has been weighing me down since the day I left her. Even though I see her for much of the year, I think we will never share the closeness we had before I left.

“I thought I would go back and see the same little sister, eager to do something with me when I got back. But that was not the case. She had learned to do things without me in just a short amount of time.”

Before I left, my little sister and I were inseparable. She used to sleep in my bed almost every night and we would cuddle until she fell asleep next to me. I would read her stories and help her write her own. She would tell me every single little detail about what happened in school that day. From her best friend arguing with her to how many times she went to the bathroom. We would go on walks everyday. We would play soccer together. We would go out to lunch at our favorite restaurant. We would ski, we would skateboard, we would swim, we would bake, we would do everything. But then I left and she was left to ski, skateboard, swim, bake, and do everything by herself or with my parents or my brother or her friends. I had abandoned her.
I did not think I was abandoning her when I first left freshman year. I thought I would go back and see the same little sister, eager to do something with me when I got back. But that was not the case. She had learned to do things without me in just a short amount of time. It was so different not being with her constantly. She would go out with her friends or go on walks with my other siblings. I was left there by myself with the realisation that my sister and I did not get along like we used to. I mean we still do, I still love her just as much and she loves me, too. But we aren’t inseparable anymore.

I remember one day my sister and I were alone at home together with nothing to do. I asked if she wanted to go on a walk with me and we did. Before I left, our walks were full of chatter, laughing and emotion. My sister would ramble on with things she wanted to tell me. There was not a second where she would not have anything to say. But it was not like that this time. We walked and I found that we were just having mindless conversations. I would ask her a question and she would answer, then I would ask another. “How was your day?”, “What did you eat for lunch”, and “Is soccer going ok?”, each followed by a short, dry response: “My day was ok”, “Mac and Cheese” and “Yah it is.” There was no motivation for her to talk to me. At that moment my heart broke. My little sister had moved on. She had changed. Or maybe I had changed. Or maybe both of us had changed. Whichever had happened the rhythm was gone.
It was like a song played too many times. It did not feel right anymore, playing it again was forced and boring. The melody was too predicitable and the voice started to sound flawed and broken. The beat, which had been so easy to tap your foot too, now just made your head ache with it’s boringness. The song, although you still loved it dearly, was just not the same anyone.
When I went back to school after that break, the guilt started. I felt as though I had abandoned her again. A heavy weight now rested on my shoulders and there seemed to be nothing I could do about it. I would spend nights in my thoughts, thinking about how my little sister was not so little anymore. How she was growing up and slipping between my fingers. Slipping so fast that I felt as though I could not catch her. I still feel that guilt on my shoulders. The guilt weighs me down and whenever I think about it, my heart hurts.The weight fills my head with questions. Why did I not stay home? Why did I choose to leave her? Am I choosing Hebron over my little sister? Was it worth it?