The Things I Carried
I’m fortunate; not only because I don’t need to worry what to eat, what to wear and where to live, but I had this chance to study abroad. This chance seems really honorable, but this is actually a pressure that I carried along the way. It takes a lot of money and courage to send a kid abroad, and my parents thought in the same way, too. They earned every cent of my tuition, and they had that courage to send me abroad, to let me pursue a brighter future. So I don’t want to fail, but the situation I’m in indeed gave me a lot of pressure, as I carried this pressure along with every day of my life abroad.
Everything started from the vacation at the end of my 7th Grade. I told my parents that I had an idea of studying abroad. I told them when they picked me up at the end of the school year to go back to my house. I can still remember their reaction: my mom froze for a second, but she suddenly hid her emotion and smiled very reluctantly. She then asked:
“Oh, do you want to go abroad now?”
“Yes, mom. I think it will be better for my future.” I leaned forward suddenly and answered.
“Ok, Let me and your dad think about it, but start your preparation now in case we agree,” my mom answered.
She answered happily, but still, she was worrying something. I could not tell, but I felt that this is not how they usually talk with me when we were talking happy things. I went on preparing for the standardized tests anyway.
Things changed after a night. I fell asleep early because I was stressed out on preparing for these standardized tests. I woke up at midnight, and I had to go to the bathroom. It’s dark everywhere. I could not see anything. It must have been a midnight and I bumped my head on the wall when I was trying to go to the bathroom. The light in the bathroom almost killed me, I fell back a little, because my eyes hurt a lot when I suddenly saw that strong light after a really deep sleep. When I walked back to my room, I heard something that changed my whole life. My dad and mom were still talking at this time. They did not sleep. I can still remember what they said:
“Why is he trying to study abroad? We already said that we will send him abroad when he is attending college. We don’t have money to send him abroad right now. I still need money for business. We don’t have that much money to use” my dad said with concern.
My mom sighed and answered: “I know, but I don’t want him to be disappointed. He had the idea to study abroad and I want to support him. I want to give him a chance to pursue a better future and not repress his desire to be better. Yeah, I just don’t want to let him down.”
“But you know it’s hard for us now to afford this, right?”
“Yes, but it’s worth trying. If we can’t, we can sell our car or house back in our hometown to afford this. We need to send him. It’s his own desire to study abroad, and I don’t want to let him down.”
I froze for a long time standing on the side of that closed door. I could still remember the worries in their tone, and that sigh from my mother. I can not forget it. I feel guilty now for adding too much pressure on this whole family. I feel like I’m a person who committed a crime. I made my parents worry and they could not fall asleep at midnight. On the second day, when I saw them, It seemed like there were more wrinkles on my mom’s face, and my dad’s head became more bald. I never noticed these changes before, but now I understood it all. They worked so hard for me, but I’m just a normal student that probably have no value to this society. When they hugged me and said that they supported my decision, I didn’t know what to say. I feel that my world suddenly turns upside down. The guilt is everywhere, I was squeezed into a corner, feeling guilty and helpless. I don’t want to tell them that I heard all the things they talked last night, and their smile is just a nightmare to me. I know that the smile they showed me means the worries they had on business, the worries they had at night.
The only thing I could think of is to study hard to make my future more bright and to make them happy. I didn’t want to reject their support because I didn’t want them to worry about more things. I felt pumped by their support, hope, and love. I started to study really hard to get into a school in America. I made a study plan for a year. I gave up my Chinese class and English class to study these tests, or English. My English level at that time stayed on a level that can only greet people. I could not do any academic work, I could not even talk with Americans. I can still remember how I practiced Listening for TOEFL: I bought a notebook, and I downloaded some TOEFL lectures. After remembering a lot of TOEFL vocabulary, I started to write down what the lectures said on that notebook. It’s a boring and stressful process. I can still remember how I write down a biology lecture. That was a Sunday afternoon, the sun was hanging upon the sky, but I chose to lock myself in my room. I opened my phone, tapped a random lecture. When I heard the first sentence, I froze. The lecturer said: “Today, we are going to talk about re—.” I clicked the stop and thought: “What is this?” I moved the cursor back to the beginning. “Today, we are going to talk about retro–v—” I clicked the stop and don’t know what is that word started with R. I moved the cursor back to the beginning. “Today, we are going to talk about retrovirus, the retrovirus is a kind of virus that has en—-” I clicked the stop again, thought: “Ok, that is retrovirus, but what is that word started with E?” I moved the cursor back to the beginning and listened again. “Today, we are going to talk about retrovirus. Retrovirus is a kind of virus that has en—-” I clicked the stop button. “What is that word starts with E? I can not figure it out!” Then I chose to slow the lecture down and clicked play again. “Today, we are going to talk about retrovirus. Retrovirus is a kind of virus that has en——–” I could not stand it anymore. I was clicking that stop button like I was going to pierce it. I yelled: “What is that E word? Why can’t I figure it out, even though I have already slowed the lecture down a lot? ” I decided to rest a little because that E word broke my heart. When I looked up, the sun was hiding into the ground. After this heartbreaking lecture, I had an idea of giving up, but I quickly realized that I’m not only studying for myself, but also studying for our family, because I was the only hope for my family. They put everything on me, now it was time for me to make them proud and happy.
As people said, a hardworking person always has a better result at the end. I received an offer from Hebron Academy at the end, and more worries things are that my parents now has money to afford my tuition because their business was growing big. Now looking back to what happened before I came here, I still feel lucky and blessed. We don’t need to sell our cars or houses anymore, as my parents now earned a lot of money that is enough for the rest of their life probably. I also knew what that E word is: it is Enzyme. But I still can remember what they said at that midnight, what I carried along the way. I work hard on everything, because there’s not only me standing on my side, but also my parents, and their hope and love. I can not, and I never would depress them.
I hope you feel the pain when I was listening to that lecture about retrovirus. Everytime I recall the time when I was preparing for TOEFL test, I seriously doubt that how did I live through that time. I can not remember anything else except the pain I got in that process. Hope you enjoy it…
Ying Qiao, I edited your post so that this was the first piece to come up. The indirect characterization you employ in showing us how hard you had to work to acquire a new language is so compelling. We (I) sometimes forget how hard you must have had to work to become so proficient in English. You are an outstanding student, and your parents must feel so proud of you! That moment on the other side of the door when you have a glimpse into the larger worries and concerns of your parents is such a coming of age moment. You’ve expressed a great deal here and done a wonderful job.
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