Family First

When I think about a time I caused harm to someone I love I think of my mom. She lives an hour away from my dad’s and my school, and when my parents got divorced they agreed to have us split our time equally between the two households. I am the kind of person that thrives off of human connection. This was one of the first things I ever realized about myself; I need to interact with people who make me smile and people who let me be myself. I love to connect with people. When I think of pure happiness I think about a moment where I had never felt closer to someone in my whole life. A moment that made me realize that truly loving someone is something bigger than you ever thought imaginable. For me these moments are the reason for the routine and drag of our day to day that so often makes us tired and feeling lifeless. I live for these moments where life feels like it’s pulling you and you have no control, but you don’t want it anyway. But for me these moments are also associated with guilt. Every time I let myself spend time with people that make me feel, I am letting someone else down. That is my mom.
One afternoon earlier this year, my mom drove down from Bethel, Maine, where she lives, just to take me out to dinner before returning later that night while I stayed with my dad. She was happy to do it, though, because she misses my sister and me every day that we’re not with her. She brought me to my favorite sushi restaurant, even though she’s never been a fan, and started the conversation light. We talked about my boyfriend and my difficult classes. We’ve always been incredibly close and that never changes even when we don’t see each other. Then she started to talk about logistics. She asked me what I was doing the next weekend because she’d already made plans that included me. The problem was, I’d also made plans that didn’t include her. We fought. I told her that I’d made my plans months before and that I couldn’t let my friends down. She asked me first why I hadn’t thought to mention it to her, as it was her weekend to have me stay with her, then she asked me to cancel my plans. She asked me to please, just this once, put her above everything else in my life. It hit me hard, but I couldn’t bring myself to admit that she was right. My sister was coming home from college, our family friends were coming to spend the weekend with us, and my mom was really excited for us all to be together. Still, it felt more important to me to uphold my commitment to my friend and I’m not sure why.
I felt really bad and I knew that my mom felt really bad, and by this time I could feel salty tears start to pool up in my ducts, as my vision started to blur. There we were sitting at a little table in a popular sushi restaurant, me hiding my face in my sweater to shield myself from the judgement that I feared surrounded me. I found comfort in the sweater that despite me having worn it multiple times belonged to my best friend and still smelled like him. I hated myself because I knew that I was sacrificing my family, and something that was so important to my mom. I still don’t know why I didn’t just cancel my plans, maybe it was my fear to let someone down or to not be the accommodating one, a position that I find myself in many times. But, I should have said no this once. I take my mom for granted, all the while knowing that she will be the one to love me the most at the end of every day. I should have relieved my mom from the pain of not seeing her baby. A pain she has told me can not be explained, but that I will understand when I have one of my own someday. It is the only regret I have and the most pain I have ever caused one person.