Selfish or Selfless

“The strongest people are not those who show strength in front of us but those who win battles we know nothing about.”- Vernon Howard. From the beginning of time, I was always the kid who was never open about her problems. I consistently had a huge, bright smile that I used to put on even when my whole life was falling apart. My siblings and friends always thought that I was in no pain because of how happy I was around them. I always thought that being happy even when you’re sad makes your problems go away quicker than ever, and luckily, for the most part, it did. But being cheerful twenty four seven started making people around me think that I had no problems of my own and would be willing to listen to their struggles without any hesitations, so eventually, they came with all their problems and kept loading me with it.

As a kid, my mom always taught me to give more and expect less. This idea for me then meant to put others and their problems above anything else, even my own. Deep down inside I knew it was incorrect, but because no one was there for me during my difficult times, I felt the assigned duty to be there for anyone and everyone who needed comfort. As time went by, I not only carried problems of my own, but the world around me. There were moments in my life when I needed someone to comfort me; someone who would tell me that everything will be okay. It’s been seventeen years and I still haven’t encountered my life’s Aarti. Unfortunately, being the person who always gave advice to people for their struggles, people never knew how to respond to mine. When I was the one who was sad or upset and asked for help, people would either be surprised for not knowing what to do, or take it as a joke by saying: “You never have any problems in your life.” Eventually my bag of struggles would overload and little by little stat to fall apart. Trying to keep up with my own life, people around me didn’t stop. They kept pouring their own without any hesitation. My plate which was already full with my own troubles did not have any place for anyone else. Being the person I am, even in those worrisome times, I made place for everyone else. But no matter how hard my life happened to be, I kept on my wide smile and opened my heart for my people. Moreover, I kept helping others and threw my own problems behind the line for I thought that my struggles were nothing when compared to the ones people near me were facing. I was there for my sister when her best friend committed suicide, even though at the same time I was living my life in fear and depression; I pumped my best friend up when her heart was broken, even though I was facing low self esteem myself; I helped boost my friend’s self confidence when indeed I was going through my first heartbreak. Eventually, the job of designated listener never finished.

There was a point in my life where I thought my life meant nothing but was just a punching bag for people’s emotions and they valued me only for my personality of being there for them no matter what. Till to date, the selfless part of me deep down inside knows that if I stopped being there for people around me, they would fall apart but I never thought that I, myself, was falling apart and to be fair, in a much more faster rate. Even today people come to me and ask me how happy and cheerful I always am?  of the answer to that is simple yet very complicated: the things that I carry within myself are too hard to be poured out in and because I have no one to pour it out on, I have no other option than finding joy in those little things that give me hope to push myself each and every day. That same hope gives me a cause to wake up and be there for everyone no matter what goes inside of me. Because everyone needs that one person who won’t judge them and be there for them no matter what.