Tougher Than Iron

I’m not a very emotional person. It’s not that I don’t ever feel sad or happy or angry, I just tend not to show my emotions. I’m not proud of this, but this is how I always have been. My grandfather and great grandfather always taught me that whenever I feel sad I should stay strong because chances are others will need me when they are sad too. My great grandfather and grandfather are two people that I have a tremendous amount of respect and love for. Both of them have always been there to teach me how to do the things I love the most like hunting, fishing, camping, and most importantly football. They’re both full of stories and are men that you could hold a conversation with for hours on end. It is hard for me to put into words how much I love them, but I could go on forever and ever about them. It wasn’t until just about a month ago when both of these men changed my life forever.
My great grandfather, or GG as I know him, was having a rough couple of months as soon as my football season ended in November. He was diagnosed with dementia in late October and really struggled through the weeks to come. He would forget things easily, lose track of time, have severe mood swings, and even feel lost in his own home. He wasn’t himself a lot of the time, and this really bothered me and all of his loved ones. As a few months began to pass and January came along, we knew that GG really wasn’t doing well. GG was eighty-six at the time and physically was in better shape than most forty year olds are. He was a very active man and still loved to hike, kayak, snowshoe, and cross country ski, but he couldn’t do all of these things in theses past months because he was mentally lacking. Dementia was really getting to him and there was nothing that anybody could do about it.
January 31, was on a Tuesday and it was the last day of the month. I received a text from my Dad before lunch time at school saying that I needed to come home now because he had something to tell me. Something wasn’t right. Chills instantly crept from the back of my eyes down to my toes. I zoned out in the middle of class as all of the noises and voices around me vanished and I stared blankly at my phone screen and desk. Without saying a word I picked up my things and left class. The five mile drive home from school was an eternity. I had no clue what to think as I pulled in my driveway and walked up to my front porch. I walked through the door as my dad was sitting down and resting his face on both of his hands in tears. My jaw dropped as my dad quietly said, “Quinn… GG isn’t doing all that great. I need to know if you want to go see him because we don’t know if he’ll make it through the night. He doesn’t really want to see anyone right now but if you want to we can”. The toughest thing that I have ever had to do up to that point in my life was say no to him, which I did. There are a few reason why I said this, but I feel no regret for it because I know that this is what GG would’ve wanted me to do. My first reason was the my last memory of GG was just eleven days ago on my birthday when I got to see and spend time with him. He was so happy to see me and he seemed to be his normal self during the time that we spent together, and of that was something I could remember him by, then I would be totally happy with that. My second reason was that my sister was in Biddeford at college and there was no way she would be able to drive all the way to his house to see him. So, I decided to drive up and see her so she didn’t have to be alone at this time.
My sister and I met at a pizza place at the old port for dinner at 8:00 that night. We received a call from my mom at 8:22. She told us that GG had passed away just a few minutes ago right after he laid down for bed and fell asleep. I told my sister the news and I distinctly remember her resting her head on my shoulder and crying quietly for a while. I don’t remember much after that moment except for being very sad and knowing that I only needed to focus on being there for my sister as I forgot about almost everything else going on.
The next morning we drove up to my grandfather’s house which was only a half mile up the road from GG’s. I walked through the door and saw my grandmother and grandfather. I immediately began to cry and so did my grandfather as he walked forward to hug me. I have never seen him cry in my entire life and my grandmother even later told me that she hadn’t seen him cry for years until he saw me walk through that door. This is something that I will never forget for the rest of my life. My family from all over the state and even those that I haven’t seen for years from New Jersey came up to their house that night. We all sat around the table and dining room that night and talked for hours and hours on end. We all caught up for a short while and began telling stories and reminiscing about funny and pleasant memories of GG. As we all talked and listened to each other’s stories we laughed and cried but mostly laughed. One of the things that we talked about the most was GG’s massive collection of antique irons that he had been collecting for almost half of his life. We laughed at the fact that he had shelves and shelves filled with old irons but he would be able to tell you a five minute story about every single one of his irons that he owns. Seeing my family that I haven’t seen for years and seeing the family that I frequently see all together at one moment was something that everybody took comfort in. It was beautiful. We all spent the rest of week and weekend together which was very emotional but yet nostalgic at the same time. It was one of the best weekends of my life despite the unfortunate passing of my great grandfather.
While I reflected on GG’s passing on that weekend with my family, a pleasant memory kept revisiting my head. It was on my birthday when I last saw him. I read him a story I wrote about him called Elderberry Wine that I had won a writing contest with that he loved. I asked him one question while we were having lunch and having a great time together. I said, “GG? Do you know that have dementia?” He responded by saying, “Wait… Who are you?”. I was concerned but he immediately started laughing and said, “Of course I do Quinn… but that doesn’t change who I am whatsoever. I’m still GG and I will forever be your GG”. In the song by The Rolling Stones, “You Can’t Always Get What You Want” the general tone of the song starts in a generally mournful way but begins to turn around. The song picks up and a peaceful and joyful change transforms the song. GG’s passing was very sad and I would give anything just to see him one more time and I really do want to see him again, but I wouldn’t trade that weekend with my family and my memories of GG for the world. One of the biggest things that I took out of that weekend was that I don’t have to suppress my emotions and act tough like I normally do. I can express myself whenever I feel like I need to and that is something truly warming that I will never give up. “If you try sometimes, you just might find, you get what you need”.