“We spoke with the officer and confirmed the incident..” by that point I was back to staring at the sterile white of the wall in front of me. I don’t know if I’m blinking; I don’t know if I’m even breathing. Mom keeps glancing at me with a concerned expression as the doctor drones on about any past injuries. My eyes slide to the poster above the trash can, the little girl smiles at me with a condescending air as I hear the wail of an ambulance echo distantly in the back of my head. Mom’s looking at me again, her eyes calculating whether I’m in pain or not. I cradle my arm closer and return to the wall. The world outside is just an insistent whirring, like a mosquito that I can’t locate. It’s like I have cotton balls filling me, clogging my ears and stuffing my throat, my senses are gone and I’m stuck inside myself. The only clear sound is the screaming inside, why is it inside? What did I do to get punished like this? Cold hands are moving and prodding at me again, assessing the damage. But they’ll never find the pain will they? They’ll never make it go away, because they can’t. They can’t…
***
Don’t say anything, just keep your mouth shut and he might go away.
The handle to the dresser is stabbing into my rib cage and my palm is bleeding. My fist unclenches as I stuff my hands into my hoodie. Why am I here? Nothing good will come of this, it never does.. His beady, cold eyes bore into me, emotionless. I grind my teeth as the words assault me, one after the other. Filled with hatred and disgust, they envelope me and swirl behind my eyes, imprinting on the lids, always there to remind me. His eyes, the eyes of the devil, narrow as his lips curl into a sneer. He looks malicious and terrifying. “You’re a waste of life, can’t you see? You are nothing and everybody around you knows it.”
Don’t. Talk. He likes it when you talk, don’t give him that.
“No one cares about you, you’re a worthless piece of trash, just like your mother.” My lip stings and I realize I’ve bitten into it. “What, you don’t feel like talking? I thought you wanted to be treated like an adult. This little silent act of yours isn’t very mature.” The anger in his voice fills the small room but no sound escapes me, not even a breath. I barely flinch as he shoots up and slams his fist against the wall, the sound reverberating up my spin and curling around my stomach, tightening. As he stalks out the door my gasping breaths finally fill the empty room. My chest is both heaving and crushing into itself, making the air stick in my throat, burning me from the inside. His words are swirling around my head, latching onto my insecurities.
He’s wrong. You know he is. People love you, mom loves you.
I try to calm myself; I try to breath, but my body starts to go numb and my head feels light.
What if he’s not? Everyone who claims to love you has left, they all left you, they all ignored you. Only your mom stayed, you have one person that truly loves you. What’s wrong with you?
I rub the heels of my hands against my eyes, squeezing them tight until all I see is black. My body is shaking as I feel the water soak my face.
He’s wrong..right?
***
The stares are worse than we originally predicted. My classmates stop mentioning it once they see the hesitation in my eyes, the old ladies at the cafe give me pitying glances and pats on the hand. They all watch me intently, eyes focused on the suffocating entrapment along my arm. They all ask the same questions:“What happened? Are you okay?” How am I supposed to answer that? No one wants to hear the truth, they don’t care to hear the pain I experienced or the always present procession of words in my head. All they want is the satisfaction of having asked. The truth? He ruined me. My constant doubts and self hatred, my inability to love who I am or notice my worth, let alone believe I’m able to be loved, that I deserve it. The trust issues that cause my nerves to jump when someone gets too close, and the steel formed around my heart, preventing further pain. He damaged me, damaged me beyond my bones. He undid everything I ever learned and believed about loving myself. Because of him, my eyes flitter and scan a room, unable to maintain a constant point; because of him, I burrow into myself, hoping to go unnoticed, but praying to be seen. He hurt me, so much more than the world sees. And what’s sad? It’s not hard. Convincing them all that I’m okay is as easy as breathing. All I have to do is quirk my lips, widen my eyes, and paint on a happy expression when confronted and they can can feel better about themselves.
It’s just so easy isn’t it?
***
I don’t know weather to freeze or to fight back. My body is rigid, yet so easily movable. I feel like a rag doll getting thrown across a room, the world around me spinning. I know it seems worse than it is. I’m probably just overreacting, huh? But I guess that’s just what the mind does, it intensifies the most terrifying moments of your life, it makes your heart pound against your chest and your breath shallow. The corner of the dresser is digging into my back, the sharp wood cutting into my spine. One arm feels like it’s getting crushed, while the other uselessly tries to fight back pushing harder and harder against his chest. But he’s unmovable, a solid wall against me. All my weight is pushing into him as my mind tells me to keep trying, to not let him hurt me again. His hand tightens around my wrist and my vision sparks, pain shooting through the bone. With silent tears I glance up into his face.
Oh God.
His eyes have no soul, they’re devoid of life, like a killer’s. Terror fills me, seeping into my body, covering it like a blanket. Everything in me is screaming for help, for him to stop. The only tangible thought Ican form is that this man is capable of killing.
And oh God, oh God. Why is nobody coming in here? Why do they let him do this? They’re supposed to be my family…
The tears gush out, hot and thick, as a pained whimper escapes my lips. He smirks down at me, squeezes tighter, then lets go. “Maybe next time you’ll speak when I say so.” His voice scrapes along my ears like ice, then he’s gone. My body can’t take anymore and I collapse onto the floor, cradling my hurt arm. The sobs have stopped, the tears continuing their path down my cheeks. My eyes trace the crack along the ceiling, trailing along the webbing, branching off.
One night, then I’m home.
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In accordance with my study, after a foreclosed home is marketed at a bidding, it is common for any borrower to still have the remaining balance on the mortgage loan. There are many loan providers who seek to have all service fees and liens cleared by the future buyer. On the other hand, depending on specific programs, polices, and state guidelines there may be several loans which are not easily handled through the shift of financial loans. Therefore, the duty still remains on the debtor that has received his or her property in foreclosure. Many thanks sharing your notions on this blog site.
I have witnessed that charges for on-line degree gurus tend to be a terrific value. For example a full College Degree in Communication from The University of Phoenix Online consists of 60 credits at $515/credit or $30,900. Also American Intercontinental University Online makes available Bachelors of Business Administration with a total education course requirement of 180 units and a cost of $30,560. Online studying has made taking your education far more easy because you can earn your degree through the comfort of your dwelling place and when you finish working. Thanks for all the other tips I have really learned through your web-site.
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I have witnessed that intelligent real estate agents everywhere are Promoting. They are acknowledging that it’s not only placing a sign post in the front yard. It’s really concerning building connections with these vendors who someday will become buyers. So, if you give your time and effort to helping these sellers go it alone : the “Law regarding Reciprocity” kicks in. Thanks for your blog post.
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I have observed that online diploma is getting preferred because attaining your college degree online has turned into a popular alternative for many people. A lot of people have not had a possible opportunity to attend a regular college or university but seek the elevated earning possibilities and career advancement that a Bachelor Degree affords. Still others might have a diploma in one training but want to pursue something they now have an interest in.
One important thing is that when you’re searching for a student loan you may find that you will need a cosigner. There are many conditions where this is true because you should find that you do not employ a past credit standing so the loan company will require that you’ve someone cosign the credit for you. Great post.
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Another thing I have really noticed is always that for many people, bad credit is the results of circumstances over and above their control. Such as they may be actually saddled having an illness and as a consequence they have excessive bills for collections. It can be due to a employment loss or the inability to go to work. Sometimes divorce proceedings can really send the funds in an opposite direction. Thanks for sharing your notions on this blog.
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One thing is one of the most widespread incentives for making use of your card is a cash-back or perhaps rebate offer. Generally, you’ll get 1-5 back upon various purchases. Depending on the credit cards, you may get 1 back on most expenditures, and 5 back on expenditures made at convenience stores, gasoline stations, grocery stores and also ‘member merchants’.
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It’s my opinion that a property foreclosures can have a major effect on the debtor’s life. Property foreclosures can have a 8 to a decade negative effects on a applicant’s credit report. A new borrower that has applied for a home loan or any loans for that matter, knows that your worse credit rating is usually, the more hard it is to acquire a decent loan. In addition, it could affect any borrower’s power to find a decent place to lease or rent, if that gets to be the alternative property solution. Thanks for your blog post.
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