Choices That I Made

One evening, my friend and I were playing video games together. We were laughing and having fun, until I started to lose. Our once playful banter became hurtful. 

Like everyone, I have made choices in my life that I regret. One was the time I called my friend fat due to my anger whilst playing this game. Not only is it personally offensive, but because I said it in a derogatory way I made it sound as if that were a bad thing. 

Like everyone, I have made choices in my life that I regret.

I had called him that after a small dispute between the two of us. I knew that it would get under his skin. He was vulnerable with me and I used that for my own personal gain. Instead of thinking about this, I was thinking about “winning.” In a fight, there are no winners, especially if it is your friend.

I am very disappointed in myself that I had said something that I knew would specifically hurt another person. At the time, I felt bad, but was too insecure to say sorry. I still look back and regret my actions, but without a moment like this, I would never have changed. 

That night, I tossed and turned while trying to sleep, but for some reason I still insisted that I didn’t need to apologize. 

Looking back, I realize that this was due to the mean things that were said to me, none of which was followed by “sorry.” I had been so focused on him, that I never realized that I was projecting myself onto him.

The morning after, we had school. My friend and I had done things like this before, so we kind of just went on our day normally. By the time lunch had come, he and I were back to joking around and having fun. The weight of my actions still stuck with me. 

Promptly at 3:00, just when school ended, I ran up to him before he left. I explained my feelings and expressed my guilt. He thanked me for my honesty and told me that it was ok, and just to respect him.

On the ride home, I thought about what he said. I then thought back to every time I had called my parents, brothers, friends, peers, and even rivals any mean thing. Whether I meant it or not, I said it to them. The fact that I couldn’t ever go back to any moment and stop myself paralyzed me. As I thought about what I said to other people, I also thought about what was said to me. I had experienced sadness, yet only then I realized that I had given people that same feeling sometimes. 

It might sound simple, yet I had never even imagined that this could be true. After taking a much needed look into myself, I realized that I can take two paths. I could continue to hurt people, or I could live through my actions and respect people. 

The only way to prove to myself that I can be better is to do better. Doing better for others, in turn, was doing better for myself as well. I became happier, friendlier, and more willing to do good for the people around me.